Being a step-mom I believe is one of the most difficult and demanding positions in the step-family. In most cases I believe that it is much easier for a step-dad to be accepted into the family. It is very hard to overcome the stereotype of the Wicked Stepmother because just the term "stepmother" leaves a scary and negative feel behind it. Kids already relate to it in a negative way because of the well-known characters in fairy tales from Cinderella and Snow White. It can be hard for those moms that do not fall into that category and want to do right by their stepchildren.
I believe that depending on the situations there are different challenges. For our family I am a step-mom where dad has joint custody with mom but the child resides with us full-time and mom gets weekend visits and holidays. I also have 2 children of my own from a previous marriage and we have one together. Yes...big family but we love it! I have always been a step-mom who encouraged a relationship between mother and child and I have never tried to take the role of "mother". I am finding out how difficult it can be.
When there is a joint custody situation, step-mom is often expected to do all the things that their mom would do (carting the kids around, cooking, cleaning, doing their laundry, helping with homework, helping financially and on an on), all the while in some cases, working full-time and being an active participant in their life and trying to be a good role model. All with little or no realization as to what is done for them and also receives little or no credit or appreciation. A lot of the times the step-mom will put the children first “no matter what”, denying her needs and feelings to make everything comfortable and easy.I have found myself in this category many times and if you are like me you will find that you bend over backwards to “do for them” and get them to love you. I am finding out that you might wear yourself out with exhaustion, and find resentment building under the surface, which eventually might erupt. Especially when there are frustrations of the other parent not fulfilling their own obligations and responsibility to their child. If you have children of your own then you may come to realize that you are hurting them as well.
In my case, I was determined to have a family that functioned normally where everyone got along..as if we were not a blended family. This is not a perfect world and that is just not going to happen. There is a lot of baggage in a blended family. Its learning how to live with it and move forward.
I am learning that being an evil step-mom is something I do not want to be because I will end up feeling hurt, rejected and angry. I also don't want to be the perfect step-mom who is willing to offer “I’ll do everything for you and give you everything you want”. What does that teach? Also, my other children were not raised that way so why should I change that now?
I am looking at a different approach and praying God will bless it. I want to be courageous and strong. I want to get my hands dirty a bit and even though I will make some (occasionally dirty) mistakes along the way, I want to stop feeling like I am always going backwards instead of forward...I want to start spiraling up from here!
I am learning that the way of being a step-mom requires good communication and honesty – and lots of it. And it must be managed in a positive way. Most importantly, my husband and I must understand the strength we have in our relationship and the importance of putting God in the center, and that those things are the foundation and glue to our blended family.
I want to be a step-mom that is real. Open and honest and who listens to the feelings of others with less "I" statements that come out with undercurrents of attack in them. This is going to take a lot of work, a lot of time, and a lot of courage. We are still going to have growing pains and I have to realize that we may never see eye to eye.
I am going to remember that being a step-mom is a challenge that can be a tremendous opportunity and blessing. I want to have a real understanding with my husband and my step-child. Our family has to find our own unique balance because we don't all fit into a perfect pattern or mold.
